Searching for Angela Shelton

There are times when you watch a movie that breaks your heart in a million pieces while at the same time being uplifting.

I do volunteering with RAINN - the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. They provide a phone hotline and are the first to provide an online hotline chat. Which is an amazing resource for survivors of sexual assault. Quite often, the online chat may be the first time they tell anyone of their experiences. The anonymity it gives provides a level of trust and comfort that just can't be found elsewhere.

There is a documentary out there called "Searching for Angela Shelton." A woman takes a journey across the country searching for other women named Angela Shelton. "24 out of the 40 Angela Sheltons she speaks to are survivors of rape, childhood sexual abuse and/or domestic violence. (The number jumped to 28 out of 40 when 4 more Angelas broke their silence after the movie was completed.)"

I think it is a movie everyone should see. You can rent it thru iTunes. Warning, it will move you and shake you to your core. It is not easy to watch at points. Angela confronts her father who assaulted her and her sister throughout their childhood. Her reaction to his response - I have no words. But anyone who has a wife, sister, mother, friend...someone you know has been touched by sexual assault whether you know it or not. I urge you to watch this. And if you are able, donate to www.rainn.org or another charity of your choice that supports survivors.

On Death and Dying

Yesterday we celebrated the life of my Aunt Janet.

Her funeral was back in June and was a typical Catholic mass followed by an atypical ...well the only word that might describe it is - reception. The room was setup with round tables for the luncheon we were having, and the feel was definitely that of a wedding reception instead of a somber funeral. An open bar was there and they served more drinks during that time than in the history of any of their weddings. Janet's cousin got up and began to talk about Aunt Janet, starting out with the story of Janet's "breakfast beer." A 7oz miller lite in a pony bottle...and right on cue, the rest of the cousins swooped in with a pony beer for everyone. Bottles were raised, a toast was had - there was not a dry eye in the room, nor anyone without a smile on their face.

Janet's wish was to have her ashes spread on the ocean so she could spend the rest of her days at the beach-her favorite place in the world. A boat was chartered and 50 of us boarded to celebrate Janet. Miller Lites were again passed around in her honor. We saw numerous dolphins swimming and playing in the boat's wake and could only guess that Janet was smiling down on the whole thing. When we reached just the right spot the boat was stopped-again the Miller Lites were passed around for a final toast. Her son in law said a few words, and the bag pipes played Amazing Grace as her daughter scattered her ashes to the best beach condo ever. They followed the ashes with a half a can of miller lite. There was not a dry eye on the boat.

Back to the condo for some good food and good company, the party lasted until nearly 11pm. 13 hours celebrating a wonderful woman's life sounds just about right.

All of this has left me thinking about what I'd want for my own funeral or memorial. Part of the estate planning stuff we've done recommends that you figure out what is you want so in the event of your death it's planned and taken care of and your loved ones don't have to guess. It's a hard thing to think about-acknolwedging your own mortality. But I do now know that I want it to be a celebration, not just a stuffy formalized ceremony. Partying for 13 hours...sounds like a good way to celebrate to me.

Numb

I found out about 40 minutes ago that my aunt has 2 weeks to live and maybe 6 months if the start the "super agressive" chemo on Monday. We found out a week ago that she had lung cancer. Her son died last August. Add this to Sam's grandfather passing away two weeks ago, and all the other stresses of owning two businesses, soon to be three, and working a part-time job, I'm a bit numb.

My "aunt" is like a second grand-mother to me - she is my grand-mother's best friend, so while not technically my aunt, she has been around my whole life and always referred to herself as "Aunt Esmerlda Zutischny."

She was the one who, when I was the mother of a 10 month old and about 6 minutes pregnant with my second, told me (while others were saying how great it was) "it's going to be the worst year of your life." I was speechless. About 6 months after my second son was born and I felt like crap, was exhausted, and felt like I had not spoken more than two words to an adult human being forever, I saw her. I went to her and said "Thank you SOOO much."

"For what?" was her somewhat puzzled response.

I smiled with what energy I had, and said "For telling me how miserable it was going to be. I expected things to be a major disaster and it turned out to be about two steps above that, so thanks!"

She chuckled, and helped watch the baby and entertained the two year old for awhile and I think that I got a few moments of peace, or beach time, or something. the particulars are fuzzy, but the memory of her always telling it like it is, being there for anyone, and always making you smile will live on forever.

CSA

I signed up today for a CSA-Community Supported Agriculture. I'm super excited! It's a totally affordable way to get fresh, local produce. Often it's even organic, even if it's not certified organic (it's quite expensive to get the certification).

Each week from June thru November I'll get a share of fresh fruits and vegetables that should feed the whole family for a week!

This makes me so happy to be supporting a local farm, getting to eat great tasting food and also eat more healthfully. I'm so looking forward to fresh tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers..mmm my mouth is watering just thinking about it.
Maybe I can learn how to can things for the winter...

My Job Rocks!

I have been having a blast here in Cincinnati for the USITT conference.
Came here with the idea that I'd have tons of time to workout, get caught up on work, and keep in touch with the kids and the hubby. Not so much on that front.

INSTEAD, it has been non-stop networking, drinking, eating, drinking, meetings, drinking...eating..did I mention eating and drinking? I'm going to come home and not know what to do with myself.

Enjoying a few quiet minutes before the next meeting starts and remembering how much I enjoy this and how thankful and lucky I am to be in such an awesome industry where we are not only colleagues but friends. It is great to get caught up with old friends, getting to know new friends and opening the world to new business possibilities.

9.2 Pounds!

So I have lost 9.2 pounds! I weigh less than I did the year I graduated from college. When I started in December I hoped to lose 5-6 pounds to look a little leaner and just feel better overall. I started Weight Watchers back then. I've tried south beach, atkins, just counting calories. And while all are effective (calories in, calories out) I've found WW to be the easiest for me to stick to. When you have a week at a trade show and drink like a fish and eat out 3 times a day, 7 days a week, it helps keep me on track, and everything "resets" the next week and I just get back on track. Also interesting to note, I cut out all aspartame from my diet - i drink my coffee black, no diet soda - just selzter water now. Just after that the diet got super easy and super effective. Dropped 2.5 lbs the first week I cut it out! Interesting...not sure it's related, but I'm a no fake sugar convert.

I also started running in January, which I HATED at first, but now desire like sex, food, or water. I have this massive chest cold right now tho, so am feeling horrid and missing the running...hopefully the netti pot, decongenstant, and nose spray I'm taking will keep it from turning into my annual March sinus infection, 3 week cold thingy and I'll be up for running again in a few days.

It's a wonderful life

Sometimes there are just these supposed moments of clarity that are actually only full of clouds.
Moments where you think there is an epiphany of sorts that is simply a stop on to some larger understanding...i'm not sure what the larger understanding is and I ache to be able to reach it.

tonight was so amazingly wonderful. Full of old friends, new friends, strangers even and I just was KFF-Kacey FUCKING Fisher. On the ball, talking with people, making people comfy who were lonely, making new friends, laughing when just right and telling the most perfect story.

And my heart ached...and I don't know why. maybe it was the weird small world scenario I found myself in at one point, painfully reminding me of how human I am, of all the mistakes I've made, of how I've opened my heart and been hurrt, how I have NOT opened my heart and let someone in.

And how this is life, how it is not black and white, how it will always be this way, full of regrets and amazing moments all at once and totally complete and full of meaning while having no meaning whatsoever.

I have been having a rough time of it lately. Since about the beginning of December. I had been frustrated with the kids and feeling like I just don't want to get out of bed. Living was starting to feel like walking through a fog. Fortunately I'm actually attuned to these symptoms in the early stages and instead of ignoring them, I saw the doctor about a week after they started.

I have suffered from depression on and off for as long as I can remember. I had panic attacks in high school and college that manifested as fainting spells, not your typical heart racing OMG I'm dying experiences so it took a long time to diagnose them. I did well after the diagnosis and after nearly 5 years went off my medication and did okay. Until I had the babies. After my youngest stopped nursing, it was like someone pushed me off a cliff. Back on medications and talk/behavioral therapy and did really well. Doctor thought it was mostly related to post-partum issues and changes in hormones etc since things had been on a good track for so long.

I am not a fan of the medication though. It sorta makes me feel like my soul is deadened. After two years on, things seemed to be on the right track and we weaned off, and substituted acupuncture, exercise, eating right etc...and that worked. I kept a super close eye on it. Because it is not fair to ask my wonderful husband and my two kids to live with a lump of clay or an angry monster. I felt like I was doing all the right things, and yet I just wanted to sleep or I was screaming at someone. Maybe it's the long dark hours we're having that has set off this chemical reaction in my brain, but I just hate that I feel this way. It feels like this part of me ISN'T me. The feelings were so disconnected from the rest of me, but they are able to steer the boat.

I know the societal stigma of mental illness is making this harder. I don't want to be thought of as crazy. I don't want my husband to look at me and feel like he can't say something to me because I'm a fragile piece of glass that might break. (Been there, worked through that) and somehow having to take a pill everyday to be "normal" sucks a big fat rotten egg.

So I'm posting this to remember that the chemicals that are not working in my brain don't make me a bad person, don't make me crazy, and don't mean I can't be an amazing wonderful mom and wife and all the like. It just means I need a little help-just like everyone needs food everyday to keep themselves going, I need a little supplement to help keep those neurotransmitters in their place, dammit. Hear this neurotransmitters-you will not defeat me!

UPDATE: I wrote this originally right before seeing the doctor back in December. It takes about 6 weeks for the medicine to take effect and things are going well. I am feeling like ME again, finally. The low dose of meds are not making me feel deadened, fortunately, and so far keeping me stabilized. Still some work on that-adding yoga and mediation back in on a regular basis and making sure I'm sleeping enough and still eating well.