From out of the Depths

I named this blog "From out of the Depths" because when I started it there was much going on with life and I really was in the depths of depression, sadness, and fear. A marriage that was falling apart, post-partum depression, and healing and recovering from childhood sexual abuse. It has taken me a long time to get to a place where I can openly talk about what happened. I have wanted to use this blog to talk more about the healing process I have gone through and the things that have happened along the way, but it has taken a few years to garner the courage to End the Silence. I hope that others will find it helpful, whether it is to help someone you know in your life that has survived a trauma or if you have yourself.

To The Man Who Raped Me

To the man who raped me,

I wanted to start this by saying dear and your name, but I don't feel as if you have earned the right to be called by your name. There is a concept of your true name, and to know someone's true name is to know their soul. You have not earned the right to be called by any name. When you shatter the soul of a child and leave her to put the pieces back together over 22 plus years, you no longer have the right to your own soul.

[Potentially Triggering information removed- click to read the letter in its entirety.]

Abby, that is what I call my "little girl" now. She has earned her true name by not breaking. by being strong. She wanted to rage and scream and fight, but couldn't find her voice then. Confusion and pain mixed with the physical feelings of pleasure made her unable to speak. Hear her now. She is not silent. You have not won. You have no power over her. And in fact you never had any power over her. You never knew her true name. You never touched her soul or her heart. You may have thought you succeeded in breaking my soul forever-ruining me, destroying me, driving me to scar myself physically. What you don't realize is that you didn't win. You had no power.

I have been afraid to look at my soul. Afraid to let anyone else look at my soul. Afraid to let anyone into my heart. The "what ifs" always creeped in. What if they looked at me and saw you instead? What if they looked into my heart and saw that it was broken and black. I waited to be rescued, from you, from everything, never knowing that I didn't need to be rescued. The fear of you and my own self made me feel powerless. Made me want to kill myself, hurt myself and prayed for some white knight to take me away and make it all better.

You never had any power or control over me, you only perceived that you did. I thought for so long that you owned a part of me because of that. That you did hold power onto a part of my soul.

But you see, I have won. Because my soul is whole. I know my true name. I know my truth. I will learn to speak my truth always and believe my truth always. I will never again be afraid to feel or love. I will love with my whole self and let my whole self be loved. I am whole again. I am not in pieces.

To The Man Who Raped Me-Full Post

This is the full letter with the more disturbing/triggering items left in.

Over a year...

Wow it has been over a year since I have posted. And my oh my what a year it has been.

Brief run down

Sept 2009 - Sam and I realized that our marriage was falling apart and we began counseling.

October 2009 - trial due to a suit with a client (issue had been going on since 2006, and it actually went to a jury) verdict was not in our favor, but was weird. Appealed. In March of 2010 the judge did not see it our way. We are STILL working out details on it.

October 30, 2009 - Sam and I realized that the combination of our two personalities was not workable and the decision to split was made.

December 29, 2010- New Year's eve with great friends and a spark happened with a special someone-completely unexpected and out of the blue.

January 2010 - I moved in with my extremely supportive parents so Sam could fix up the house to sell. We began divorce mediation and were able to fairly easily settle the issues. 50/50 custody, assets and debts split 50/50. We were going to still work together.

March 2010 - At USITT I decided that I could not continue to work with my ex husband. The divorce, while amicable, was because of our issues together. These of course carried over to work. Plus, I was a bit tired of wearing the A/P, A/R, Payroll, and HR hat, and while I loved the aspects of my job that came with dealing with Clients, ESTA, USITT etc, I wanted to pursue my own goals and dreams for the future. And doing Business Management for my ex-husband's rigging company just wasn't going to make THAT happen. Additionally resigned as business manager of D2 Flying Effects wishing both Sam and Delbert well and dove into the OMFG NOW I NEED TO FIND A JOB land. I was still wrapping things up with Fisher Theatrical, so wasn't worried about money YET, but holy moly what a scary step. Meanwhile the long distance relationship with the New Year's guy was still going on, and more feelings developing by the moment.

May 2010- Real Estate market sucked even more than ever. Sam worked on buying a fixer-upper and we decided I'd move back to the house we owned instead of selling it.

July 2010 - FOUND A JOB! Was hired by Event Tech as "Director of Business Development." Working on a lot of cool exciting projects, still get to be involved with ESTA (soon to be merged with PLASA) and my committee work. Getting a paycheck and only wearing oh, 10 hats instead of the 20-25 I was wearing before.

Guy from New Year's got a job locally and moved into an apartment around the corner. He makes me smile. A lot. More gushing over him in another post ;-)

Aug 2010 - Moved back into the house in Catonsville and have been trying to get settled and do house projects ever since.

Sept 2010 - My youngest started Kindergarten! Wow. Continuing the tons of house projects to make it feel like a home, and not just some place I live, which is how it had felt for the past few years given the drama you can imagine led to Sam and I deciding to divorce.

So that is the run down on the past year. Holy moly it has been a rough one and continues to be a roller coaster for many reasons. However, I have never felt so at peace at the same time.

(More on those things perhaps in later posts). I wanted to get back into the blogging thing- I find it therapeutic and it keeps my writing skills honed. Not sure how many people care, but if it's an outlet I guess it's an outlet ;-)

Searching for Angela Shelton

There are times when you watch a movie that breaks your heart in a million pieces while at the same time being uplifting.

I do volunteering with RAINN - the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. They provide a phone hotline and are the first to provide an online hotline chat. Which is an amazing resource for survivors of sexual assault. Quite often, the online chat may be the first time they tell anyone of their experiences. The anonymity it gives provides a level of trust and comfort that just can't be found elsewhere.

There is a documentary out there called "Searching for Angela Shelton." A woman takes a journey across the country searching for other women named Angela Shelton. "24 out of the 40 Angela Sheltons she speaks to are survivors of rape, childhood sexual abuse and/or domestic violence. (The number jumped to 28 out of 40 when 4 more Angelas broke their silence after the movie was completed.)"

I think it is a movie everyone should see. You can rent it thru iTunes. Warning, it will move you and shake you to your core. It is not easy to watch at points. Angela confronts her father who assaulted her and her sister throughout their childhood. Her reaction to his response - I have no words. But anyone who has a wife, sister, mother, friend...someone you know has been touched by sexual assault whether you know it or not. I urge you to watch this. And if you are able, donate to www.rainn.org or another charity of your choice that supports survivors.

On Death and Dying

Yesterday we celebrated the life of my Aunt Janet.

Her funeral was back in June and was a typical Catholic mass followed by an atypical ...well the only word that might describe it is - reception. The room was setup with round tables for the luncheon we were having, and the feel was definitely that of a wedding reception instead of a somber funeral. An open bar was there and they served more drinks during that time than in the history of any of their weddings. Janet's cousin got up and began to talk about Aunt Janet, starting out with the story of Janet's "breakfast beer." A 7oz miller lite in a pony bottle...and right on cue, the rest of the cousins swooped in with a pony beer for everyone. Bottles were raised, a toast was had - there was not a dry eye in the room, nor anyone without a smile on their face.

Janet's wish was to have her ashes spread on the ocean so she could spend the rest of her days at the beach-her favorite place in the world. A boat was chartered and 50 of us boarded to celebrate Janet. Miller Lites were again passed around in her honor. We saw numerous dolphins swimming and playing in the boat's wake and could only guess that Janet was smiling down on the whole thing. When we reached just the right spot the boat was stopped-again the Miller Lites were passed around for a final toast. Her son in law said a few words, and the bag pipes played Amazing Grace as her daughter scattered her ashes to the best beach condo ever. They followed the ashes with a half a can of miller lite. There was not a dry eye on the boat.

Back to the condo for some good food and good company, the party lasted until nearly 11pm. 13 hours celebrating a wonderful woman's life sounds just about right.

All of this has left me thinking about what I'd want for my own funeral or memorial. Part of the estate planning stuff we've done recommends that you figure out what is you want so in the event of your death it's planned and taken care of and your loved ones don't have to guess. It's a hard thing to think about-acknolwedging your own mortality. But I do now know that I want it to be a celebration, not just a stuffy formalized ceremony. Partying for 13 hours...sounds like a good way to celebrate to me.

Numb

I found out about 40 minutes ago that my aunt has 2 weeks to live and maybe 6 months if the start the "super agressive" chemo on Monday. We found out a week ago that she had lung cancer. Her son died last August. Add this to Sam's grandfather passing away two weeks ago, and all the other stresses of owning two businesses, soon to be three, and working a part-time job, I'm a bit numb.

My "aunt" is like a second grand-mother to me - she is my grand-mother's best friend, so while not technically my aunt, she has been around my whole life and always referred to herself as "Aunt Esmerlda Zutischny."

She was the one who, when I was the mother of a 10 month old and about 6 minutes pregnant with my second, told me (while others were saying how great it was) "it's going to be the worst year of your life." I was speechless. About 6 months after my second son was born and I felt like crap, was exhausted, and felt like I had not spoken more than two words to an adult human being forever, I saw her. I went to her and said "Thank you SOOO much."

"For what?" was her somewhat puzzled response.

I smiled with what energy I had, and said "For telling me how miserable it was going to be. I expected things to be a major disaster and it turned out to be about two steps above that, so thanks!"

She chuckled, and helped watch the baby and entertained the two year old for awhile and I think that I got a few moments of peace, or beach time, or something. the particulars are fuzzy, but the memory of her always telling it like it is, being there for anyone, and always making you smile will live on forever.