I have been having a rough time of it lately. Since about the beginning of December. I had been frustrated with the kids and feeling like I just don't want to get out of bed. Living was starting to feel like walking through a fog. Fortunately I'm actually attuned to these symptoms in the early stages and instead of ignoring them, I saw the doctor about a week after they started.

I have suffered from depression on and off for as long as I can remember. I had panic attacks in high school and college that manifested as fainting spells, not your typical heart racing OMG I'm dying experiences so it took a long time to diagnose them. I did well after the diagnosis and after nearly 5 years went off my medication and did okay. Until I had the babies. After my youngest stopped nursing, it was like someone pushed me off a cliff. Back on medications and talk/behavioral therapy and did really well. Doctor thought it was mostly related to post-partum issues and changes in hormones etc since things had been on a good track for so long.

I am not a fan of the medication though. It sorta makes me feel like my soul is deadened. After two years on, things seemed to be on the right track and we weaned off, and substituted acupuncture, exercise, eating right etc...and that worked. I kept a super close eye on it. Because it is not fair to ask my wonderful husband and my two kids to live with a lump of clay or an angry monster. I felt like I was doing all the right things, and yet I just wanted to sleep or I was screaming at someone. Maybe it's the long dark hours we're having that has set off this chemical reaction in my brain, but I just hate that I feel this way. It feels like this part of me ISN'T me. The feelings were so disconnected from the rest of me, but they are able to steer the boat.

I know the societal stigma of mental illness is making this harder. I don't want to be thought of as crazy. I don't want my husband to look at me and feel like he can't say something to me because I'm a fragile piece of glass that might break. (Been there, worked through that) and somehow having to take a pill everyday to be "normal" sucks a big fat rotten egg.

So I'm posting this to remember that the chemicals that are not working in my brain don't make me a bad person, don't make me crazy, and don't mean I can't be an amazing wonderful mom and wife and all the like. It just means I need a little help-just like everyone needs food everyday to keep themselves going, I need a little supplement to help keep those neurotransmitters in their place, dammit. Hear this neurotransmitters-you will not defeat me!

UPDATE: I wrote this originally right before seeing the doctor back in December. It takes about 6 weeks for the medicine to take effect and things are going well. I am feeling like ME again, finally. The low dose of meds are not making me feel deadened, fortunately, and so far keeping me stabilized. Still some work on that-adding yoga and mediation back in on a regular basis and making sure I'm sleeping enough and still eating well.