This has been an interesting couple of months.
After a lot of self introspection, and realizations of the ways in which my personality style affects other people and the ways in which I bring drama to the equation, I decided to change a relationship in my life to help minimize the drama and most importantly concentrate on the things that are important-my husband, my kids, and the successful business I am building. The hard part was that this person and I actually got along really great, but there was another angle that we just couldn't fit together. It was hard and sad, but overall the best decision for everyone involved.
The weeks after that were kinda rough for me. I was alternately excited about taking another step on my own journey of healing, but also sad to no longer have this friend to talk to about it. But we moved on and seemed to be finding a way to maybe be friends again, slowly but surely. But the nice things was there was NO drama. No text messages from anyone about the latest boy drama at the club that weekend, no wondering if there would be freak outs over the wrong thing being said or misperceptions, none of her saying to my husband that I was "crazy" while this other person dealt with her own issues-namely a lack of direction in life, ambivalence about where to take the next step, co-dependent relationships and deliberate stirring of the pot, "just to see what happened" to the people in the pot. The calm was lovely. It was a level of calm I had not experienced in quite some time. I had even been hopeful that we could have a civil tolerance of each other and acknowledge differences and embrace the similarities.
Now 3 months later, the drama bubbled up all over again. It was recenlty revealed I was upset and angry at the time this all happened. (Umm surprise??) I had chosen to remove myself from situations where I'd bump against my own emotions and unfairly take this anger out on the wrong person. I wanted to process and grieve through it and ultimately forgive and move on-wipe the slate clean. We are all human, we are all making mistakes and stumbling, and I am of the belief that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt and the chance to grow. (Altho this person doesn't feel the same about me, evidently) Now, I'm being accused of causing it all despite this persons outright nastiness and hypocritcal behavior for nearly 4 months - speaking one set of words, but having actions of a completely separate nature. Spewing nasty words to my husband and then being surprised that my husband and I might communicate about what was going on. Saying outright offensive things to me directly in the "well I'm just blunt with people," but shutting down, shutting out, or running away if anyone tried to return the favor of brutal honesty about her own actions. And there is surprise that I might have been angry?
Sadly though, this is all just white noise in my life-I really just don't care anymore, and it's a little scary to feel such apathy toward another human being. This person will never see my viewpoint. This person will never be able to look inside and do the truly difficult thing; be self critical in a way that actually matters, that actually lets you see the hypocrisies in yourself and their impact on other people and begin to have truly healthy relationships. And the most difficult part: seeing things in others that remind us of the things we hate in ourselves, and not demonizing them. Instead, seeing that one person's journey and healing (and most importantly the misakes made along the way) can be learned from, forgiven, and embraced as opposed to being judgemental, cruel, and malicious because you are afraid of your own journey.
Now 3 months later, the drama bubbled up all over again. It was recenlty revealed I was upset and angry at the time this all happened. (Umm surprise??) I had chosen to remove myself from situations where I'd bump against my own emotions and unfairly take this anger out on the wrong person. I wanted to process and grieve through it and ultimately forgive and move on-wipe the slate clean. We are all human, we are all making mistakes and stumbling, and I am of the belief that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt and the chance to grow. (Altho this person doesn't feel the same about me, evidently) Now, I'm being accused of causing it all despite this persons outright nastiness and hypocritcal behavior for nearly 4 months - speaking one set of words, but having actions of a completely separate nature. Spewing nasty words to my husband and then being surprised that
Sadly though, this is all just white noise in my life-I really just don't care anymore, and it's a little scary to feel such apathy toward another human being. This person will never see my viewpoint. This person will never be able to look inside and do the truly difficult thing; be self critical in a way that actually matters, that actually lets you see the hypocrisies in yourself and their impact on other people and begin to have truly healthy relationships. And the most difficult part: seeing things in others that remind us of the things we hate in ourselves, and not demonizing them. Instead, seeing that one person's journey and healing (and most importantly the misakes made along the way) can be learned from, forgiven, and embraced as opposed to being judgemental, cruel, and malicious because you are afraid of your own journey.
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